Calm, Cool and Connected - The Guide Book to Peace of Mind

Revisiting: Enneagram Personality Types and Relationships

December 01, 2021 Calm, Cool and Connected Season 1 Episode 113
Calm, Cool and Connected - The Guide Book to Peace of Mind
Revisiting: Enneagram Personality Types and Relationships
Show Notes Transcript

Revisiting: The Enneagram and Relationships 

Today we're continuing with our retrospective featuring some of our very favorite episodes from the season thus far. Today's look back is at the fan favorite episode focusing on enneagram types and relationships. 

People are all so unique, that when they come together to form a relationship- it can spell disaster! 

Enter Dave Glaser- a relationship coach, and host of “The Challenger Podcast.” He joins Dr. Liz on this episode of Calm, Cool and Connected to talk about the enneagram and how it relates to relationships. 

Key Takeaways from Liz’s chat with Dave: 

• Learn what exactly the enneagram is
• Hear how the enneagram can help us understand our partners in relationships
• Find out the benefits of using the enneagram
• Hear what type Dave is, and how he uses that knowledge in his every day life
• Learn if there are enneagram numbers who generally go together, or generally clash 

All of this and more, on this episode of Calm, Cool and Connected. 

Find out more about Dave on his IG: @thechallengerpodcast 

For more information on Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, visit her website:
Connect with Dr, Fedrick on Instagram: @drelizabethfedrick

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Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: hello and welcome to calm. Cool. And connected. I'm your host, Dr. Elizabeth Bedrick. One of the reasons I originally got into psychology is because of how fascinating the human psyche and human behaviors are. However, it's interesting how, when we are in relationship, this human psyche and human behaviors that were once maybe interesting.

Kind of start to become confusing and then eventually kind of roll into just all out of noxious [00:01:00] and a big part of that is because the differences in our personalities and in the uniqueness of how we all see the. One of the trending ways that we're kind of assessing for personalities these days is through the Enneagram.

And while a lot of people have heard of the Enneagram. I know from, with my clients, not a whole lot of people are really aware of what exactly it is. So this is where our next guest comes in. Dave is a relationship coach and he specializes in using the Enneagram to help his clients. Not only understand themselves better, but to also understand their relationship and their relational functioning better.

Dave: So, hi Dave. Well, Hi, Dr. Frederick, thanks for having me. Thanks so much for 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: joining us. So the Enneagram has been certainly gaining traction and probably for a lot longer than I'm even fully aware of. And like I was saying, while a lot of my clients come in and they talk about it and ask if I've heard about it.

They're not really sure of what it is and what the purpose is. So let's start there. Can you help us to understand what was it developed 

Dave: for and housing? It, [00:02:00] ah, that's a great question. Back in the early millennia thousand to 1100 Ady Catholic priests were using the Enneagram as a personal growth and development tool for their congregations to help them learn how to build a better relationship with their source of spirituality today, the Instagram.

Our clients is used as a relationship development tool first with our relationship with self. And then, uh, when you enter into a relationship, it gives us better understanding of who we are and how we show up and who our partner is and how their personality is unique to our own. 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: Okay. So that's really interesting.

So, Often it's used that the individual and their partner partner will take this assessment and then these results are used. How, how do you dissect them and how do you make 

Dave: use of them? It's really simple after that, but then it gets complicated. Like you were saying earlier about relationships in general.

[00:03:00] Each personality type on the Instagram has tendencies that they show up and they can eventually come into the relationship and be those kind of those pet peeves that show up. And I'm like, how do you always do that? Well, the Enneagram can answer that question for ourselves. Okay. Why does my partner always ask me why this tendency is a part of our relationship?

And it gives me an, a very clear picture of who I am and how I should. 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: Okay. And so what are usually the benefits of this? I hear you saying that this can give insight into each. Each partner has better insight into the other to understand, okay, this is not maybe something they're consciously choosing just to drive me crazy, but right.

It's a part of them. What are the benefits that you see when you start using these results in your coaching? 

Dave: I see better connection with self. I see better connection with other people or whether it be that'd be friends, family, coworkers, or your intimate partner. That's truly what we're all looking for is a deep [00:04:00] connection and a sense of belonging.

Wouldn't you agree? Absolutely. 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: Yeah, absolutely. Do you mind sharing with us? What, what is your Enneagram number and how does that kind of. So viewers understand, you know, what are some of these outcomes and how might you apply 

Dave: them? I love talking about the Enneagram. It's my favorite thing to discuss. So I'm known as the challenger or type eight on the Enneagram.

I have, what's called a wing seven. So the enthusiast sits next to me on the Enneagram. That's my wing. And then I have a specific subtype as well, but we won't get into that. There's not enough time. So essentially. An Enneagram type eight with a wing seven shows up very intense about their passions and their hobbies and their relationships.

And the seven wing gives them a sense of FOMO, fear of missing out. So if I'm leaning into that personality type, I'm very intensely passionate about standing up for the underdog, standing up for the little guy in social injustice ways or within my relationship. Okay. Who's [00:05:00] the, who's the underdog and the relation.

I'm going to stand up for that person, oftentimes that's me. 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: Okay. So, but if it is your partner, then that might mean that you're showing up for your partner in these situations. 

Dave: Okay, that's fascinating. Yeah. And one of the points of growth for the Enneagram type eight in relationship is, okay, your partner may not necessarily want you to fix it.

And that's one way that the challenger can show up and try to stand up for their partner. And where we find a point of growth is understanding that that might not be the best way for us to show up and stand up for our. So over time, as I've become more aware of my tendencies, I tend to take a slower approach if like, are you looking for support or solutions?

And then one of my partner comes to me and shares what's coming up for them and how I can support them. Maybe just listening is the best way that I can show up for that underdog. So it 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: sounds like you are able to use these outcomes even to improve communication skills, to [00:06:00] improve that communication dynamic between the two.

Okay. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I know that mine is a three and I know that because of the time you and I have spent together when I was on your show. And so that is the achiever. Is that okay? So I have a whole plethora of obnoxious tendencies with that achiever of a lot of that being very competitive, very driven, very busy.

Which I know then can make me a whole lot less present in my relationships because of that. What for a three for an achiever, what is usually something that you have them work on 

Dave: when you're coaching? Oh, that's a great question. I love it. And I do love the self-awareness that you brought to that question of, like, I know that these are my tendencies.

Yes. You're very driven. Which can be in America, a very, a very rewarded behavior. Cause we are go, go, go lifestyle. So. We're connected on Instagram. That's how we got to know each other. And the other day you shared a meme that really resonated me through the lens of the [00:07:00] Instagram for the achiever. And tell me if I remember the mean correctly, it said removing the masks for authenticity.

Was there a context around masks and authenticity in that mean that you shared the other day? Do you remember it? I 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: don't remember specifically, but I get where you're going. That, that, that the masks, the overachieving, the doing can be the mask, I assume. Your thoughts 

Dave: 100%. And when I saw you share that, I was like, oh, Dr.

Fedrick has so much, uh, so much awareness and growth because she can see that as a tendency in herself. And once we become aware of that, then we can actually do things about it. So yes, the achiever wears a mask of always being busy, busy, busy, so that they can. Necessarily focus on those feelings that are coming up.

They get real deep here. The gift of the Enneagram is that it's not always going to paint sunshine and rainbows on our, on our lives and our personalities. It's going to get real raw and [00:08:00] honest with ourselves so that we can get real and honest with others as well. Eventually deepening that connection that we're all looking for.


Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: what have you, you found, are there any, this might be. Trick question, but are there any numbers that go better together or any numbers that clash, have you noticed that in the 

Dave: coaching you've done? Yes. And yes. It's generally about the health of the two individuals in the relationship, all personality types, all nine of them can pair up very, very well with all the other eight types.

What the Enneagram helps us shed light on is how do we feel about ourselves? How do we feel in the relationship and how integrated or disintegrated we are in any given moment? So for an eight conflict is actually really connecting, which might actually sound like. I don't understand that because I don't like conflict.

Well, the challenger will lean into conflict to feel more connected with coworkers partners and family members. [00:09:00] And that's a tendency that can show up for us. And I feel as if I got off topic just a little bit, redirect me towards the question of where I was going there. 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: Well, so is there then with the challenger, is there a number that maybe they clash with or they have a harder 

Dave: time?

Oh 100%. That's where I was going. So let's take the dynamic of the eight and the three, since we're talking about it as the three where's Matt. To hide their authenticity, the challenge, or the eight values authenticity above all else. So if we were to have a long conversation or a, a long-term friendship, we might see conflicts coming into the relationship because.

I would feel like the maths are holding us back from deep connection, which would then cause conflict, which would then I will almost like inspire me to lean in more or maybe activating an anxious attachment style. I don't know. I don't know either. Maybe I do, but yeah, or even an avoidant [00:10:00] attachment style to it.

If I feel as if there's a disconnect between. Myself and eight and a friend, coworker, or partner as a three. I may actually pull back in the avoidant attachment style as well. Sure. 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: This is all so fascinating. I really appreciate you being on today. This is great information. Where can our viewers find out more information about you, your coaching methods and how you're 

Dave: using.

I feel that Instagram is always the best place to catch me at the challenger podcast. I'm sharing memes almost every day that are going to challenge the way that you think about relationships in the modern dating era. And if they want to get ahold of me, then there's the link in my bio that you can apply for coaching and set up a one-on-one consultation.

Absolutely free. Perfect. 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: Thank you so much, Dave, for joining 

Dave: us. Thank you, Dr. Fedrick. It was a pleasure 

Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick: and thank you all for tuning into this episode of calm, cool and connected. Please make sure to find us on Facebook and Instagram and also make sure to rate and subscribe to our podcast so that others can discover our content as well.

That you so [00:11:00] much .