Gender and Communication
We’ve all heard the phrase: men are from Mars and women are from Venus. What exactly does this mean? That we have lots of disconnects when it comes to communication between the sexes! This can cause stress, tension, fights and even breakups.
Brandon Archer joins us for this episode of Calm, Cool and Connected to help us dig through the mess that is genders and communication.
Key Takeaways from Dr. Fedrick’s chat with Brandon:
• Hear Brandon’s background and about his work in the field
• Find out the purpose of identifying masculine vs feminine energies
• Learn why both partners having the same kind of energy can lead to relationship issues
• Hear how Brandon addresses these types of issues in his work with clients
All of this and more, on this episode of Calm, Cool and Connected.
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DISCLAIMER: THE CONSULTATIONS OR INTERACTIONS OFFERED ARE NOT MENTAL HEALTH THERAPY. THE CONSULTATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND NOT STRUCTURED IN A WAY TO PROVIDE MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELING/PSYCHOTHERAPY/THERAPY/ DIAGNOSING OF ANY KIND. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT CALM COOL AND CONNECTED IS NOT PROVIDING INFORMATION AS YOUR TREATING MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR, PHYSICIAN, ATTORNEY, LEGAL COUNSEL, EMPLOYER, MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. We offer no guarantees or promise of results from event nor assume liability for any information provided.
Dr. Fedrick: Hello and welcome to calm, cooling connected. I'm your host, Dr.
Elizabeth. So we have all heard. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus, which really boils down to, we sometimes have a really hard time communicating the gender differences can create barriers, the way that men, women just gender in general can really influence how we engage often leads to unnecessary conflict, hurt feelings, and even breakups here [00:01:00] in us today is relationship and communication.
Coach Brandon. He's going to be helping us to understand the differences and communication between the males and females and the impact that this can have on relationships. Hi, Brandon. Welcome.
Brandon Archer: Hello, how are you today?
Dr. Fedrick: I'm good. Thank you for joining us today. I'm really excited to dig into this.
Brandon Archer: Thanks for inviting me.
Dr. Fedrick: So before we do process through all of this, please tell us a little bit about the work that you do as a relationship and communication coach. What, what exactly does that mean? And what's the work that you're
Brandon Archer: doing right. I work specifically with men to help them connect and communicate better with their partners.
And as you said, you know, referring to men or from which one is it, women are from Venus and men are from Mars. I've never actually read that book. And there are so many differences and it's challenging for men and women. But I work with men to navigate that relationship. And like, while I said this to you, Why doesn't she understand?
So that's been my journey and [00:02:00] I know how many men just, they want healthy relationships. So that's why I chose that pathway.
Dr. Fedrick: Absolutely. And I love how you say that that men want healthy relationships. So important, which it's really sad that it's important for us to say, but it is important to say, right, because there's such a societal stigma that men maybe are closed off or they don't care as much, or they're not emotional.
And to your point, that's simply not the case.
Brandon Archer: No, actually I read a paper. I need to find it so I can refer to it properly. They're actually coming out with studies that they believe men are more sensitive than women. Interesting. Yes. In the work I've done with men, it makes it, it makes a lot of sense. And it's actually a benefit because men can process their own emotions and show up in relationship.
But with that knowledge and that ability, they show up for their partners better because of.
Dr. Fedrick: Ah. Okay. So really, again, coming back to that system, the societal influence of let's become more accepting of [00:03:00] that, which kind of leads into the. And I really want to talk about today. There is it's really a bit of buzz trending the feminine and the masculine energies, and I've looked into it a little bit.
I've done some research and I referenced it okayed originally in session. Probably not completely accurately as I don't know fully about it, but I find that really fascinating. Can you help us to understand what is that and what is the purpose of identifying those different energies?
Brandon Archer: This is my wheelhouse.
I love this stuff so beautiful. We often think of masculine and feminine as gender specific masculine, feminine energies. I gave a talk one time and I put little note pads on. I'm like, okay, everybody write down some masculine traits and everybody write down some feminine traits. And then I had them look at it and go, does that apply to male or female?
And they were like, No, it's not. So [00:04:00] those energies, those traits, those attributes, we all carry in us, male or female. It doesn't matter which so with our society where we're at today, it's pushing. Each gender a little too much into the other realm of what doesn't feel, natural and biological, powerful, powerful women that have no jobs where they need to be in charge.
It forces them into their masculine, which is fantastic, but then they can get stuck there. And you come home and you want to soften as a woman and you just can't quite do it because the other end of the spectrum is society has turned men into a Dr. Robert Glover's book. Nice guys, a little too passive.
So now you come home and there's not the energy. There's not that masculine presence and safety so that a woman can feel comfortable to soften and be more.
Dr. Fedrick: Interesting. And so it's almost as you're [00:05:00] describing that the societal influences really shifting maybe the gender away from where they might feel more comfortable.
Is that kind of
Brandon Archer: absolutely. Okay. It's happened on for both men and women that's happening cause sure. We're all about women need to rise up. I fully support that and, and be more powerful and step into their power. That's great, but men have not kept up with what that looks like, how to support those.
Dr. Fedrick: And I totally can attest to that. So that is, that is something I talked about in my personal journey of as a business owner and as a, an assertive woman in power. Yeah, that, that can be really intimidating to men. And it's not intimidating to them to your point often. It's hard to know, like, just because I have that assertiveness in the work environment doesn't necessarily mean.
That's how I also want to engage with my
Brandon Archer: partner. Yes, absolutely. And [00:06:00] that's polarity, right? It's it's simple. It's very, it's a simple principle. If both people are showing up very masculine, there's going to be conflict. So absolutely happened. Societaly often in relationships the men have maybe not been able to step into the masculine role at home and women are amazing creatures and you just intuitively know, okay, man, you're not fulfilling this part of the relationship.
I'm just going to do it. Right. And then he feels emasculated, but he doesn't understand why. Cause he doesn't know how to step into that.
Dr. Fedrick: How do you help your clients to do that? So especially, so you doing work with men, how do you apply this energy piece to your work with them?
Brandon Archer: It is a staged approach.
And as, as you know, most things come from our childhood. So we have to look at that. And what's our relationship as a man to the. But it starts with your mom. What was your relationship with your mom? How does that, how did that play out? How do you as a [00:07:00] man today, project the things your mom didn't give you or that relationship onto your partner.
Dr. Fedrick: Okay. And so you're, you're helping them bring awareness to that. So they're first doing some, digging into these previous experiences, recognizing where it's showing up. And then where, how, where, how do you think will that change?
Brandon Archer: How do we implement change? Lots of work, lots of understanding what mat, what is masculinity you ask most men.
And it's a very, very confusing topic for men because we might have a picture of it's it's arrogant, it's Ty radical, and that's not what it is at all. So it's very difficult.
Dr. Fedrick: How would you describe masculinity?
Brandon Archer: Present assertive, loving, confident full of purpose. It's just some of them and men want those [00:08:00] things, but we don't know how to do it in a healthy way.
We just, we're not sure how to do that.
Dr. Fedrick: Absolutely. Yeah. How do you see this?
Brandon Archer: Yeah. And the trick for men, not the trick, but the, the goal is understanding. I have both masculine and feminine attributes in me and I can't, it's not just one. I don't get to do just work on my masculinity and everything's going to be great.
I have to look at the feminine, like, don't do that. It's not going to work. It's like a bandaid. It's going to work for a bit, but the cracks are going to form right. Practically gonna form. And you're not going to be able to uphold that masculinity.
Dr. Fedrick: How do you see this then influencing? So when we get into the communication side of this, how does this start to influence really the disconnect, that barrier and communication?
Brandon Archer: Yeah. This is such a beautiful thing, in my opinion, because if, as a man, I am not in touch with my feminine attributes and understand my [00:09:00] emotional body, basically our emotional core. How can I possibly understand. What a woman who is generally coming from her emotional core, how am I ever going to relate to that?
But if, as a man I'm not just coming at it strictly masculine, I'm like, I've done my work. I've connected to my heart and my emotions. So now when I show up talking to a woman, I can recognize some of her energy in me because I've done. So. Done so on it. So now I can hold space for her. She needs to, she needs to just talk at me.
Great. Just talk at me. It doesn't mean anything about me because I've healed that part of me that confused myself about my feminine and.
Dr. Fedrick: Okay. So it's about being able to almost have increased empathy, empathy. So not take things so personally to, it sounds almost like resolving it, like, so in the work that I do that would be working to resolve some of these [00:10:00] triggers, some of the, maybe things that somebody could say or do that elicits this reactive response.
But when you're saying, when we worked through some of those things, we don't have to be reactive. We can just be present and. Empathetic to what our partner is experiencing.
Brandon Archer: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. That's exactly it triggers. Why is she, why is what she's saying to me? Upsetting me on some level. Okay.
Dr. Fedrick: And how so on the flip side, how would you describe femininity?
Brandon Archer: Femininity as a yes, that is, you know, soft. I use loving for masculine, but I do believe it's on both sides for sure. Soft receiving versus penetrating our purpose support. Many many, the list goes on. Anything that anybody that's listening is go, what's a feminine trait and you start listing them [00:11:00] off.
Yeah, that's it that's exactly it. It's not like there's a, there's not like there's a very strict container that it needs to be many people have different views on what that means. What does it mean? What does it mean to be feminine and they're right. Whatever they come up with.
Dr. Fedrick: Yes, but I love what you're describing is that you are by no means assigning either to a gender.
That gender is X, that it is part of each are part of all genders. But rather that it is just these various sides of us that we have to learn how to tap into
Brandon Archer: absolutely. The genders are more comfortable in there in general. I'm speaking in general terms, but masculine masculinity, men are more comfortable to be there.
Feminine, feminine energies. Women are more naturally comfortable to be there. That's biology to camp. We're still animals on many levels, but understanding that you can flow in [00:12:00] and out of both, a man can have feminine traits and it's okay. It's a hundred percent. Okay. It doesn't mean he's less masculine, right?
That's the societal message. That's so confusing.
Dr. Fedrick: It absolutely is. And so influential in what, how we all try to show up how we, how and what we try to be. It's it is, it's a powerful thing. So in addition to working through somebody's triggers what is maybe one other tip that you would give to, to help people listening to re like work, to improve communication?
Brandon Archer: slow down. Okay. That's the simplest one. And I think it's the best one to be honest is slowed down and it does go to triggers, but if we allow the trigger to pass. There's a lot more clarity and we're not, we're not speaking from trauma. We're speaking from a little more of a grounded place, both men and women.
Dr. Fedrick: [00:13:00] Absolutely. Well, thank you so much, Brandon, where can our viewers find you? Where can they learn more about
Brandon Archer: you? You can find firstname.lastname@example.org or Instagram is underscore Brandon Archer.
Dr. Fedrick: Perfect. Thank you so much for being here today. This was really interesting. And thank you all for tuning into this episode of con cooling, connected.
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